you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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