Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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