Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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