new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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