literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
