You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My ATM looks so different sober.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
They took my balls.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
