Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
