Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
