just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
