I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
