Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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