I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
