im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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