maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we're making bets on your personal life
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
