Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
