My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
