It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
