I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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