I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
