you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
