I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
