You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I will be naked everywhere
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
