I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
