This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Walk of Shame today included voting.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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