i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize