I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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