I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
