1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
