I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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