On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
