So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
