my soul wont recognize me after tonight
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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