She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
