God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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