Well douche your snatch and let's go!
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize