The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
