u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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