i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
