In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
