remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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