He is such a slut. More and more my type.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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