just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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