just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
what day is it and did you see me today?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize