I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
