i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
