the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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