Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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