I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
