You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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