I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
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