cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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