You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
