They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize