Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
