you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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