ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
