Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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