what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
